# The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief



## weedygarden (Apr 27, 2011)

I know this is a rough topic. I have wanted to post about this because we have had some losses in our family this year and I recognize the anger (Stage 2)and impatience I am having with anyone and everyone is related to our losses.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617



> The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief
> By Julie Axelrod
> 
> The 5 Stages of Loss and GriefThe stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual's own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying."
> ...


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## notyermomma (Feb 11, 2014)

Thanks for the post Weedygarden, and I'm sorry for your losses. 

I think it's worth mentioning that the grieving process can apply to other things besides death as well - there are many kinds of losses, and it's important that we give ourselves time and space to process as needed.


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## Jewel (Sep 6, 2014)

(((((((((( Weedygarden ))))) I'm so sorry for your losses. Much love, strength and healing for you.

I've had three very hard losses right in a row, two this year. I don't agree with the 5 stages although I'm sure they apply to some folk. I only go through 1 stage, guilt, anger and pain. I force myself into a different way of being by acknowledging that things are as they are and to be able to live (and I do love life) I have to keeping going and hang on to the light. The 1 stage never leaves me though, not even after 30 some years. I think that in my 50 years I've known more loss and pain than good and kindness but it's the good a cling to and allow to feed my soul.


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## bugoutbob (Nov 11, 2012)

The stages do not always flow in order and a person can transition back and forth between stages on a frequent and/or infrequent basis. While the stages of grieving are fairly typical/universal the actual process is intensely personal and no two are alike. Working as Christian pastor I often spend time working with people who have been through losses ranging from relatively minor to overwhelmingly traumatic. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time is often the best coping strategy for many people. Having a good support network can make the process far more tolerable.


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## forluvofsmoke (Jan 27, 2012)

Weedygarden, sorry for your losses. Being you have posted this, you know the healing process will continue over time, and to resist will lengthen or stop the process. To go with the flow will speed your healing...that's the good news. I wish the best to you and yours.



Jewel said:


> I've had three very hard losses right in a row, two this year. I don't agree with the 5 stages although I'm sure they apply to some folk. I only go through 1 stage, guilt, anger and pain. I force myself into a different way of being by acknowledging that things are as they are and to be able to live (and I do love life) I have to keeping going and hang on to the light. The 1 stage never leaves me though, not even after 30 some years. I think that in my 50 years I've known more loss and pain than good and kindness but it's the good a cling to and allow to feed my soul.


Jewel, We've lost 3 parents in a 2-yr stretch, one being very quick and unexpected, two being with aging with weakening health. I've had old friends from school as well as co-workers killed accidentally. I've had pets accidentally killed when I was a child. I've had relationships turn south and end on not such good terms, both personal and professional. I've had large and small material things go away unexpectedly. I listed these in order of most importance to me, and obviously the most difficult to deal with being first on the list, yet they all are a source for the same grieving process in varying degrees of difficulty and time...some of which I have not yet healed from, because I have not yet come to terms with it....maybe I'm just not ready...maybe I don't know how...maybe I never will...(I'm hopeful that the latter does not prove itself, but then I would never know for sure).

I hope you can find that place and time where you will accept your loss and come to terms with stage 1. If you don't, you will never truly know and experience what can follow, which I can't explain either, as it is different for everyone, but I can say it can be very detrimental to your well-being. All I can say is that for me, the losses I have come to terms with have given me a deeper peace.

If you hold onto guilt or anger, the pain can consume you...your life will never be what it should be, because you are not fully in control. In this state, happiness can be elusive, if not nonexistent. After-all, what is life without happiness?

I know this is different, well, somewhat...but as an example, when I gave my oldest daughter's hand in marriage, I told them both to _live well, be happy_. I said this because I knew that if they could achieve happiness, they would have everything they needed in life. What could be better than to always be happy? I'm not speaking of the true blissful, walking on clouds kind of happy, but, instead, the general, nothing bothers me and I'll find a way to keep on keepin' on kind of happiness...walking with a springy step and a cheerful, positive attitude. Wishful thinking? Maybe. Impossible? Depends on what we want out of life.

Happiness, IMHO, is the best gift anyone could give, but it can't be given...it has to be found, by you, and only you. Compare happiness with love...they are similar...some might say that they are one in the same. You feel your love for someone or something...it's that feeling, that deepness of thought, that makes you feel good. An so, you strive to stay close to whatever it is you love, because it makes you feel good inside.

I'm still healing from some of my many losses, but making progress, slow as it may seem sometimes. Trust me, the days that I do feel happy are absolutely priceless. I hope you can find the strength to move forward and really face it head-on...one day at a time...to resist can cause you an eternity of pain...it's not easy by any means of measure, but it will change your life...you will become whole again (part of you is missing now), if you let it happen. (I say this based on my experiences, knowing I still have some painful healing yet to come, before I will be who I really want to be).

My best wishes to you


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## Jewel (Sep 6, 2014)

Thank you Fortheluvofsmoke  That was very, very kind. But I think my post sounded darker than it was meant. Even with pieces of my heart missing, I am very happy. I love life and I've never been hard to please. I see beauty everywhere I look and find joy in almost every breath.


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## weedygarden (Apr 27, 2011)

*Thanks, everyone!*



Jewel said:


> (((((((((( Weedygarden ))))) I'm so sorry for your losses. Much love, strength and healing for you.
> 
> I've had three very hard losses right in a row, two this year. I don't agree with the 5 stages although I'm sure they apply to some folk. I only go through 1 stage, guilt, anger and pain. I force myself into a different way of being by acknowledging that things are as they are and to be able to live (and I do love life) I have to keeping going and hang on to the light. The 1 stage never leaves me though, not even after 30 some years. I think that in my 50 years I've known more loss and pain than good and kindness but it's the good a cling to and allow to feed my soul.


Thank you, Jewel.

I believe that anger is absolutely a big outcome in the grieving process. I feel so disgusted with ignorance and manipulation at this point in time. There are members of Prepared Society that have shown their manipulation of the group and my way of dealing with my anger with many of them is usually to write a very long post, calling them out and then deleting it, instead of posting it. This manipulation occurs by some because it has been fed and nurtured in their life. I wish I had a classic short saying I could post that said something like, "BULL CR*P" without starting a war and getting removed from the group.

The most significant loss has been my daughter's dog. She was a part of our everyday life and an absolutely adorable and personable dog. She brought us so much love and joy. Wherever we were, so was she. She went to work with my daughter everyday, except when she didn't want to. Daughter's boss has my daughter's dog's uncle who also goes to work everyday. My daughter has been inconsolable at the loss. The dog was 7 and went down quickly from bone marrow cancer. When my daughter's boyfriend decided to be a cheater and broke daughter's heart, the dog was there, offering her unconditional love. I miss this sweet dog and what she brought to our lives. I am no longer crying everyday, but tears come easily. I believe that helps with healing.

I know we have all had losses. Thanks for listening and being here.


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## forluvofsmoke (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi Jewel-

I find it refreshing to read that your outlook is so bright...seeing so much good around you. You seem to be handling life-changing events quite well. Hey, do what works for you...and don't fix what isn't broke, right?

Yes, your post seemed dim, and I felt inclined to elaborate...maybe in your case it wasn't necessary, but then others may find some use from what I wrote. As I wrote I found myself in moments of pause, realizing that some of what I was referring to was also directly related to my own situation. So, it did help me to understand myself better, while attempting to help someone else...a win-win!!!


Weedygarden-

I failed thank you for posting this, so, THANKS!!! Reading that article, others responses, and posting here, is giving me more insight on how to move forward. It's been a looooong and bumpy road, but I see more healing coming my way.


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## weedygarden (Apr 27, 2011)

forluvofsmoke said:


> Weedygarden, sorry for your losses. Being you have posted this, you know the healing process will continue over time, and to resist will lengthen or stop the process. To go with the flow will speed your healing...that's the good news. I wish the best to you and yours.
> .....
> 
> If you hold onto guilt or anger, the pain can consume you...your life will never be what it should be, because you are not fully in control. In this state, happiness can be elusive, if not nonexistent. After-all, what is life without happiness?


Thank you, forluvofsmoke, I too believe to resist any part of this lengthens or stops the healing process. I am not someone who cries much, day to day, and I am just letting it happen when it happens. No resistance to that.


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## forluvofsmoke (Jan 27, 2012)

weedygarden said:


> Thank you, forluvofsmoke, I too believe to resist any part of this lengthens or stops the healing process. I am *not someone who cries much, day to day*, and I am just letting it happen when it happens. No resistance to that.


That's me as well...I may go years without shedding a tear...it's something that has been engrained into the male of our species, thanks to our societal misconceptions. Guys are supposed to be tough...the strong shoulder to lean on...the calm and understanding ear when in times of need, yet, the stern and firm voice when necessary...the protector when a threat arises...and above all, having the ability to over-ride/ignore the worst of pain, be it emotional or physical, regardless of the cause.

So, we can be tough, sure...doesn't do a bit of good for our own mental wellness when we suffer a loss. Being tough doesn't allow the healing to begin. Remembering that is the hard part for me. Disconnecting one's self from being all that it is you do, just to take care of yourself...that seems to be the key, at least for me. Getting involved with this thread is bringing some needed change for me...opening my eyes and bringing about a different view of how to heal from life-changing events, instead of just coping with them. Coping is just being tough...tough doesn't cut it.

Sometimes, you just gotta let go...I did that a little, last night, and today...I haven't done that for a long time. Nothing but good things will come of it...

Be well!!!


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## LincTex (Apr 1, 2011)

forluvofsmoke said:


> ...I may go years without shedding a tear...it's something that has been engrained into the male of our species, thanks to our societal misconceptions. Guys are supposed to be tough...
> 
> So, we can be tough, sure...doesn't do a bit of good for our own mental wellness when we suffer a loss. Being tough doesn't allow the healing to begin.


This thread is really speaking to me. 
I may be facing a divorce sometime in the future... 
but I do NOT want that to happen.

My Passive-Aggressive wife is gutting this marriage in a very covert way of abuse towards me.

Trust me.......... I **KNOW** how to cry


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## weedygarden (Apr 27, 2011)

*LincTex, I am sorry!*



LincTex said:


> This thread is really speaking to me.
> I may be facing a divorce sometime in the future...
> but I do NOT want that to happen.
> 
> ...


That was one of the hardest things for me to go through. I can only imagine the pain you are going through.


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## Jewel (Sep 6, 2014)

((((((((((( Everyone )))))))))) 


How we feel it is one thing, how we let it change us is another. 

I've heard that love is the cure but I disagree. I believe it's hope, in whatever form we can find it.


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