# Domestic violence BOB



## notyermomma (Feb 11, 2014)

A dear friend of mine is in a total SHTF situation with her boyfriend. She spoke with someone at the local shelter who strongly suggested that she pack an "emergency overnight bag" so she could flee if necessary, and several friends have given her open invitations for crash pads.

The shelter framed the "overnight bag" in different terms, but I recognized it as a BOB right away. The needs of such a BOB are quite different from your average BOB (very few people in that situation would be out in the elements, for one thing.) I thought it would be a good discussion to open here.

Because of the control aspect of abuse dynamics, OPSEC is a very different picture. Not only does the existence of the BOB have to be a secret, but nothing can be visibly missing from the home because it would tip the abuser off. (I'm giving her my spare duffel bag today and she'll pick it up at my office.) A lot of abusers will go through their victims' stuff to micromanage and monitor them, so where to store the BOB is a big question mark as well.

As far as the bag's contents, regular day-to-day stuff will do. As I said, she's not fleeing civilization, just one particular jerk. But there's essential paperwork that he shouldn't have access to, and cash. 

At any rate, it's good food for thought and I'd be interested to hear feedback from others. (And please don't say "she should just move." Getting out of these situations is always a work in progress and can be very complicated.)


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## Elinor0987 (May 28, 2010)

If she's planning to keep in touch with people after she leaves and isn't sure if some of the people would maintain her privacy, she could get a prepaid calling card (not the ones for a cell phone but a land line phone). A call from these will usually show up on caller id as a 1-800, 1-877 number or an out of state number because the calls are routed through their call centers and they go everywhere.


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## weedygarden (Apr 27, 2011)

If I were her, I would keep my BOB, as best as I could, away from the house, and maybe in a drawer at work, or in someone else's car trunk. Even that bag might pique his interest. Once you leave a home, what is left is never to be retrieved. Abusers will destroy what is left, or use it as leverage for meeting to abuse more. Many are killed after the initial departure, when HE uses that as a ploy to have time to do whatever is on his to do list. I know of a woman who was killed this way, close to my hometown. It is a common scenario.

The most important things for her to get are documents such as birth certificate, SS cards, etc. Having all these things organized in advance without him seeing it would be very important.

I knew a woman who was with a man who had been a former neighbor of mine. She got pregnant, and in this case, thankfully had a miscarriage. The pregnancy and after math made him crazy, or at least showed how crazy he really was. 

She kept talking to me about it. We developed a plan with the local crisis shelter. I told her to start to make a list of things that were hers to get mentally organized that she wanted or were important and to start getting ready to pack up in a hurry. Even organizing the closet better could help at a time like this. One Saturday morning a few of us showed up, with a couple police officers in tow and in a little time took what we could. She had things left behind, but was able to set up another apartment. 

He knew where I lived, but did not know that she was not going to be staying with me. We had a garage for her car to be parked in. 

He was livid and left notes about us being lesbians. It could have been worse, much worse. 

There was a plan for her not to go to work for the first week, until he had given up on that, or had blown off some steam, although these people can hold on to that b.s. for years. There was the possibility of not going a second week.

BTW, not all abusers are men. I knew a man, although not well, who was married to a woman who would beat on him when she was upset.


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## Caribou (Aug 18, 2012)

Clothing can be purchased new or from second hand stores for the BOB. This will provide clothing that the boyfriend is not familiar with. That is probably better than camo in this situation. This also adds a bit of OPSEC as nothing disappears. 

If finances allow start another bank account and use a different address like a friends house or mailbox rental address. Get a State ID or replace your "lost" drivers license with this new address on it. Keep the new ID with a friend. 

Perhaps some cash can be left with a friend. Certain personal items can be purchased and just never make it home. These items would seem normal on a receipt yet unless an inventory was taken after each purchase then it should go unnoticed. In other words build a stash. This stash can be left with a friend, in an old duffel for example, or buried out in the woods.


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## Gians (Nov 8, 2012)

A money belt might work for some cash and small documents that can be folded.


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## notyermomma (Feb 11, 2014)

weedygarden said:


> BTW, not all abusers are men. I knew a man, although not well, who was married to a woman who would beat on him when she was upset.


Thank you for that. Honestly it's a peeve of mine to see all the literature on domestic violence biased that way. All abusers are male, all victims are female, and the GLBT population doesn't fit into the equation at all. It's sexist and totally unhelpful. Several years ago I went to bat for a male friend who needed shelter from his boyfriend. Some providers wouldn't even pursue the conversation when I disclosed that the victim was male. Ultimately I found out that my local shelter served men, in a separate program, in a separate facility ... but I had to talk to three different staffers before I found someone who even knew that. Weird.

Anyway, a little digging produced this awesome list which I passed along to my friend. Better yet, I got her into the program I work for to get her extra resources to speed her on her way. She's decided that rather than go straight to the shelter she's going to take it more slowly and lay the groundwork so she can do it right and leave _once_. This leaves several of her friends wringing their hands with worry every time she goes back home, but I appreciate the wisdom and courage too.

Thanks for the great ideas, everyone. The level of logistics that go into "just leaving" are really awe inspiring. It's been a long time since I've had to go there and it makes me sad to have to think in these terms again. But it's what friends do.


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## notyermomma (Feb 11, 2014)

Also, be careful what you enter into search engines. It can get interesting pretty fast. Tonight I did a search for "domestic violence go bag" and came back with this gem:



> Domestic Violence Tote Bags - CafePress.com
> Whether you're on a grocery run or headed for the beach, our Domestic Violence tote bags are perfect for just about any purpose. Browse 1000s of personalized totes. Shop now!
> Search domain www.cafepress.comcafepress.com/+domestic-violence+tote-bags


There were quite a few shopping links like that. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.


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## notyermomma (Feb 11, 2014)

Ugh ... this evening my friend let her guard down and told me a lot of what's _really_ going on, things she's been keeping to herself for several months.

It's late so I can't really call anyone, and I respect her privacy in any case. So I wouldn't post anything online either. But I need to vent. I don't really mean the following statement, I just need to get it out of my system:

:brickwall: *I!!!* :brickwall: *HATE!!!* :brickwall: *MEN!!!* :brickwall:

Thank you.


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## TheLazyL (Jun 5, 2012)

notyermomma said:


> Ugh ... this evening my friend let her guard down and told me a lot of what's _really_ going on...


If you and your friend are not of the same sex then IMHO you need to back off.


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## LastOutlaw (Jun 1, 2013)

Years after my father passed away my mom told me a story.
She said she thought he was going to hit her once and shortly after she told him:
You might hit me but you will have to sleep at some point. I promise you that if that ever happens I will sew you into the bedsheets and beat the living H*LL out of you with a baseball bat.

He never hit her in 50 years of marriage.


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## readytogo (Apr 6, 2013)

Emergency BOB for a domestic violence situation? Somehow I`m a little puzzle, it has been my experience that in a domestic situation even the train police is in danger and that anybody involved in this type of event should break contact and seek shelter with friends or relatives as far away as possible from the other member involved in the situation, a BOB in a shelter will do very little or nothing as far as I can see, finding protection with love ones is the key.


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## tsrwivey (Dec 31, 2010)

notyermomma said:


> Ugh ... this evening my friend let her guard down and told me a lot of what's _really_ going on, things she's been keeping to herself for several months..


And yet you notice she is STILL with him? He's not the only one that's screwed up, she was attracted to him for a reason & she stays & puts up with that crap for a reason. She's getting something out of it. Please keep in mind, there's always two sides to any story & she's just as much to blame for their relationship as he is.

If you want to maintain a friendship with her, keep you're nose out of it. Let her know you're willing to help her get out (& what you're willing to do) but that you're not interested in hearing anymore of the details of their relationship.

You're in a no win situation, if you don't tell her she's responsible for her life & who she chooses each day to be in a relationship with, you're giving the impression that she has no power to change her situation. If you do point it out, she'll likely take it as someone else trying to control her or that you're "judging" her.

She could leave him & then you'll be the person she's talking crap about instead of him.


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## OldeTymer (Feb 17, 2014)

If it's happening to you or someone you know..................

http://www.thehotline.org/help/

or

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)


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