# I finally figured it out......Mini-rant+how to.



## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

What all this "zombie" crap is good for!
when one speaks of harming another human being society recoils in horror and sometimes even well meaning government agencies get involved, not so with zombies, EVERYBODY hates these undead, plague carrying, shambling, stinky harbingers of death! can't you just see some ACLU Lawyer out front of a court house crying about their "civil rights" to eat other people while one snacks on his girlfriend behind him? I can, its hella' hilarious!

So how about a "zombie" hand to hand combat article? since we're talking about some hypothetical, might-be movie/drug induced science fiction horror, nobody should get too whiney when I talk about how to select a knife that will split their skulls to the breast bone in one deft chop and still slide out easily to take on another one!

*DISCLAIMER:SINCE NOBODY HAS ACTUALLY FOUGHT A ZOMBIE BUT THAT ONE COP IN FLORIDA EVERYTHING HERE INCLUDING THE DAMN ZOMBIES IS PURELY HYPOTHETICAL AND USING ANY OF THESE METHODS ON STILL LIVING HUMAN BEINGS CAN BE CONSIDERED ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, AND DOWNRIGHT MEAN AND COULD LEAD TO JAIL TIME, BAD BREATH, HAIRY PALMS AND BARNYARD SODOMY.*

Chapter one:
*So your neighbor has decided it's time to eat your face:*

There's no reasoning with a "zombie" in fact, by the time you do, he's already bitten you!apparently REAL zombies don't pass on whatever makes them want to munch their fellow man by bites, but human bites are medically proven to be even nastier than animal bites germ wise, so you really don't want bit!So how to keep this freak away from you? if you're near your home, run inside, lock the doors, call 911 while you make sure there's hydro-shocks in the pipe of your 45 and sit tight! if you're really lucky the whacked out zombie will see something shiny and go stare at it until the cops finish their doughnuts and come see what the fuss is about.

If you're NOT lucky and Mr. EatUface tries kicking the door down, fire one round into each eye socket and wait for the cops.DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CLEAN UP THE MESS!this is called interfering with a crime scene and results in jail time. Be a good citizen and have some energy drinks and snacks waiting, cops have a rough life!

If you're caught in the open and can't run or have nowhere to run to and are not armed you're in trouble, the good news is that unlike movie zombies, nearly anything that stops a human, stops them.reports are they are more resilient and stronger than average humans but it can be done,just pretend it's T-Bo's evil twin brother,now if it REALLY IS T-Bo's evil twin brother, you're probably screwed, but we'll cross that bridge somewhere else in another thread on another forum.

*Weapons:*
Anything to keep the zombie at arm's length,real ninjas teach that your environment is a weapon, so pitch some dirt in the zombie's face and RUN!with luck the moron will forget he was hungry long enough for you to get away or at least find a pole axe or 2X4 and splat his Mellon. using stuff like lawn furniture can be used to hold the hungry whackjob off or herd him into a barn or off a cliff or something.tire irons, hunks of pipe, hammers, bricks, and honkin' big rocks all count as environmental weapons but the really COOL stuff is the knives and guns, you know...the stuff Mall Ninjas collect but don't know how to use,[NOTE:Mall ninjas are NOT real NINJAS!] so if there's ever a major OUTBREAK, go to where Mall Ninjas congregate to feel "Macho" and help yourself to their gear, they won't need it since they're probably already DEAD lying next to their poorly maintained and jammed weapons, just clean them up and you're good to go.Mall Ninjas seem to live on energy drinks and vending machine food so you might want to raid the stop"N"shop on your way to your B.O.L.

*The weapons themselves!*

Any well made AR-15 rifle that's capable of head shots at 50' and out, you only NEED two add ons, a Tactical light[it's going to get dark.]and a vertical fore grip to steady your aim.if you're buying this stuff yourself ahead of an OUTBREAK, instead of waiting for a Mall Ninja to leave his to you in his will after he croaks, invest in a C-Mag, 100 rounds of zombie zapper will come in handy!and get a case of quality ammo.

Pistols:geez, so many good ones,so many zombie dropping calibers.I'm a Moe Browning disciple so my faves are a tweaked 1911 or Browning hi-power with 20 round mags, but that's not to say a Glock or Springfield or a 92-F wouldn't do just fine all have points that distinct them above the others,try some and see what fits you!

Shotgun:12 gauge, extended mag, cylinder bore.if it can't be made to hold more than 6 rounds, its almost useless.unlike a movie zombie, a center mass shot inside 50' will drop Zed, head shots aren't a necessity. I like a Remington 870 or Mossberg 590,but some prefer Benelli m-4s Sagia or the lucky bastards who have a SPAS 12 in inventory.

Melee weapons:
Well let's see here...My favorites would be a 20" crowbar, medium axe, Gurkha Kukri, cold steel ATC,USGI machete,aluminum ball bat, or Katana.the beauty of melee is you can take out Zed simply by hacking the outside of the thigh as deeply as possible to sever all those tendons and arteries.simply walk off or back up while he bleeds out and crawls after you or if you're l33t, just cut his head off in one swipe, end of problem.

So anyway, that's my zombie apocalypse guide for real zombies, hope you liked it!:flower:


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## Immolatus (Feb 20, 2011)

I am so totally 1337 that I will be hackin off heads without a second thought.
And as a 'Mall Ninja', I am offended that you would say I am not real Ninja. I trained for years at Westfields Mall Ninja training facility in an undisclosed location. Its uber secret!

I am hidin in the trees near Turtles house right now. SHHH! I will bop him upside the head when he approaches!


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

LMAO! notice _ nowhere I mentioned a chain saw?_


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## Salekdarling (Aug 15, 2010)

Immolatus said:


> I am so totally 1337 that I will be hackin off heads without a second thought.
> And as a 'Mall Ninja', I am offended that you would say I am not real Ninja. I trained for years at Westfields Mall Ninja training facility in an undisclosed location. Its uber secret!
> 
> I am hidin in the trees near Turtles house right now. SHHH! I will bop him upside the head when he approaches!


Sort of related... except Turtle is now a cat.


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Pwn. lullzz! t3h kat iz a nublet!


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## Immolatus (Feb 20, 2011)

:congrat::beercheer:
Too funny!


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## FatTire (Mar 20, 2012)

Hey bud, nowhere in ur rant did u mention pruning shears or a banjo... I've seen the prepping documentary Zombieland, and I'm not sure your ready to make it to the brush her hair back over her ear round


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Its under environmental weapons.


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## PopPop (Sep 14, 2010)

ROFLMAO, you guys be in favor of chainsaw control, They will have to pry mine from my cold dead fingers.


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## FatTire (Mar 20, 2012)

heres a tip, when fighting zombies with chainsaws. use bleach instead of bar oil


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Yup! bleach kills everything!


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## dirtgrrl (Jun 5, 2011)

Magus said:


> LMAO! notice _ nowhere I mentioned a chain saw?_


Damn! But I'm *GOOD* at runnin' a chainsaw!!


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Want a job at our organic firewood and charcoal lot?


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## dirtgrrl (Jun 5, 2011)

Magus said:


> Want a job at our organic firewood and charcoal lot?


Do you have health insurance?


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Nope.just wood.it don't pay much either.


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## Ration-AL (Apr 18, 2012)

i see your chainsaw and raise you!


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## Salekdarling (Aug 15, 2010)

Ration-AL said:


> i see your chainsaw and raise you!


WANT.


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

Want the full comic, lost it when my drive died.

IT RULED!


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## dirtgrrl (Jun 5, 2011)

Magus said:


> Nope.just wood.it don't pay much either.


No thanks, I'll pass. I got a better job selling dehydrated water ...


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## FatTire (Mar 20, 2012)

Ration-AL said:


> i see your chainsaw and raise you!


you people just have no concept of string bets.... i love poker, string bets drive me nuts, cheap parlor tricks.... oh kewl chainsaw tho :wave:


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## Immolatus (Feb 20, 2011)

Why does that look like a RL skin for Q3A?


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

good point.


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## rladams (May 3, 2012)

FatTire said:


> Hey bud, nowhere in ur rant did u mention pruning shears or a banjo... I've seen the prepping documentary Zombieland, and I'm not sure your ready to make it to the brush her hair back over her ear round


dont forget

*CARDIO, CARDIO, CARDIO!!!!!*

You know its RULE #1.... 
You do know all 32 rules dont you?


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## Salekdarling (Aug 15, 2010)

rladams said:


> dont forget
> 
> *CARDIO, CARDIO, CARDIO!!!!!*
> 
> ...


http://www.zombielandrules.com/


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## Emerald (Jun 14, 2010)

Salekdarling said:


> http://www.zombielandrules.com/


they forgot one.. Always know where the twinkies are..


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## Magus (Dec 1, 2008)

I hate Twinkies.gimme' a Moon Pie and R.C cola and I'm ready to bash zed heads all day!


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